Giving up on Love ?

Giving up on love?  Nah. Not me.  I know, I know I always say I’m done after I get hurt.  I’ll live out my days alone and secluded. In a quit country setting. There will be miles and miles of a long dirt road, to a house in nowhere to get to me.  I’ve have to pack a cooler to drive into town for essentials. Why,   because I can’t stand the feeling of being hurt, rejected. After every hurtful experience. However I inevitably always go back to thinking I want it. I search for it. Although I will never admit that. I really do.  I tell everyone I’m content alone, I’m happy with myself and yes, I am,  But I would be much happier spending time with someone. Wouldn’t you?     I could be such an awesome person in love and in a relationship. I am caring, giving. Fun.    I have so much to give. But when I give it way, its hurts.  So should I keep battling the love bug?  Why, what for.  It’s so exhausting, the mind controlling and the game playing.  If you meet someone, and you think you might be getting bit by ‘love’ there’s no turning back, at least not for me.  I become a completely different person. Happier, content.  The thought of thinking of someone throughout my day excites me.  I mean excites me.  I feel sexier and happy. And the thought that he too could be thinking of me.   Will something will happen. Yes, something eventually does.  Whether it is another failed attempt or it could turn into something great.  For me it’s always a failed attempt at love.  It’s a viscous cycle.  One would think that through the magnitude of the hurt that I have already experienced, I am completely crazy for not giving up on love what in the hell is wrong with me.     I try to pretend that I don’t want anyone. I put on a front to friends.  But I’m a hopeless romantic that will probably never have true long. Years from now I will be still writing blogs about my lonely life from my internet connection somewhere in Nebraska.  On that long, long dirt road to my country house.   Sigh.   

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~ by generalslc on March 20, 2013.

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