How awesome it WAS…

oh, how awesome it was for a few weeks, but I did have a few days of the last few weeks, hanging I was spending time with someone.  well not really spending, Looking back I guess it was just time. When you want somethin bad enough, it sometimes make unclear choices.decisions. Maybe it was a stupid, not clearly thought thru night, but I loved being wanted .. even if it was late night when we pretty much beyond conversation but just touch. Just my thoughts, his thoughts (of which I really didnt know) it just happend. I’d like to say at this point I’ll take whatever it is that I can get. I mean that in a sense of the feeling and being with someone. But I’m not desperate, and he wasnt just a ‘whatever’ Clearly I’m selective. I’m just a girl that likes what most of us girls like. Just crave and miss the intimacy  Pitiful I know.  it didn’t quite turn out the way i had thought, but my thought changes every time I have an opportunity to see him. its just good happy thoughts even if they are just in my head. I have been talking to God a lot more these past few weeks, only to ask for strength so that something right and good could from our interaction, and my feelings. Its not so easy to give them up anymore. Friends or whatever just so I can actually feel some happiness,feel alive. I love that feeling. God I love that feeling. I dont expect anything, but I crave it, I miss it. I want it. do I deserve it ?  I don’t know. I think so, but maybe not  so– cause happiness ain’t happening.  Not here.  Aside from Feeling that again, just looking for happy. Its doesn’t necessarily have to come from him. (a guy) Its hard to self discipline yourself to not want or crave or need the closeness of being with someone, laying with someone- doing nothing with someone and still feel and be happy.  If I don’t discipline myself- I’m always going to be wanting, needing and craving. And ultimatly hurting.

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~ by generalslc on January 15, 2013.

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